I might not have known it at the time - it just felt normal - but in early 2019, we were in survival mode. My husband traveled about 50% of the time, and our 8-month-old and 2.5-year-old were in two different daycares, including one that was open for exactly 9 hours and 15 minutes, and was a 30+ minute drive from my office, where I had to work in person five days a week. (You do the math on that commute.)
It had been a rough winter. The Minneapolis metro got almost 100 inches of snow that season. My husband was gone multiple nights most weeks, and the baby took 30+ minutes of rocking in a dark room to go to sleep, meaning it was nearly impossible for me to handle bedtime for both kids alone. Most weeks I recruited each of our mothers to come over one night to help, sometimes I phoned a friend, and sometimes I attempted it myself, which always resulted in tears from at least two of us. To top it all off, the stay-at-home mom who was watching the baby had taken on too much, and told us she could no longer watch him. (He was a colicky baby and wanted to be held all the time. I love that kid, but I might have fired him too.)
I distinctly remember getting that email. It had snowed several inches the night before. My mom had come over after work to have dinner with us and to help me with bedtime. The snow was coming down hard and I made her sleep over rather than driving home in poor conditions. The next morning, we made the rare decision to work from home and keep the kids home with us. When I received the news that we would need to find a new daycare option, I felt defeated and overwhelmed for about five minutes. But I am my mother’s daughter, and we live to step up in a crisis.
When I was pregnant with our youngest, we’d briefly looked into au pair childcare, but it seemed like a lot of work, and another option fell into place. But now, trying to come up with options that we could afford, and where our kids could be together, I mentioned it to my mom. After explaining what I knew about the program, she said, “And you would have help at bedtime when Aaron is out of town,” and I swear to God the heavens opened up. The next day I shared her thinking with Aaron - over the phone… still out of town - and he was completely sold.
That night I filled out our application, and 10 days later, our first au pair moved in. That timeline is not at all normal for a first-time host family, but looking back, it seems fitting how we jumped head-first into the program, and it turned out to be exactly what we needed.
Next month, we’ll say goodbye to our fifth and final au pair, after nearly four years in the program. We’re excited for this next chapter as a family of four, but hosting au pairs is one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. I’m a huge advocate for the au pair program, and I’m always happy to talk about it because most people only have a cursory awareness of how it works, and there are a lot of incorrect assumptions and myths out there.
Myth #1: It’s weird to have a stranger live with you
One of the first things people ask when they learn that we host au pairs is, “Isn’t it weird to have a stranger living in your house?” I always reply that they’re only a stranger for about two days, and even that isn’t quite right because you spend time getting to know them before they arrive.
Au pairs truly become part of your family - like a young adult niece or nephew. It’s not like having another child, but definitely somebody whose well-being you care about and who fits into the fabric of your life. One of our au pairs was super creative and affectionate. I love that she would snuggle our kids during naps the same way I would. One of our au pairs was happy to read with the kids for hours and took them to the library every week. One of our au pairs taught our oldest to ride a bike - and we used some of his techniques the following summer to teach our youngest. And one of our au pairs became like a sister to me. When she stayed in the US for a few months after her au pair term ended she would come hang out with the family, and she and I would go out together.
Absolutely there are times when it can be annoying to have somebody living with you who is like-family-but-not-quite, and we definitely relish their vacation weeks when we can be a little more relaxed around the house. But on balance, the positives FAR outweigh the negatives, both in terms of the relationships we’ve built and the incredible convenience:
The aforementioned help at bedtime, and the general adult company I had when my husband was traveling all the time.
For four years, I’ve rarely participated in the parental ritual of getting two children and all their stuff packed into the car before the sun comes up.
Covid was very manageable for us. We did have an au pair choose to go back to England early in the pandemic, but we were fortunate to find another au pair quickly and felt so lucky to have minimal worries about exposure or availability of care.
Now that our youngest is in preschool three days a week, we have more flexibility in our au pair’s hours, and can have her watch the kids when we have volleyball, dinner dates, etc.
This has been a hellacious winter in terms of illness and snowdays, and our au pair has been flexible and gracious in staying home with the kids on days when she was only supposed to work before and after school.
Myth #2: Having an au pair is expensive
Also: Au pairs are underpaid and exploited
The direct weekly cost of an au pair (stipend + agency fees), is about equivalent to having one infant in daycare where we live. There are additional costs with hosting au pairs, but I think of these more as tradeoffs for convenience. Here is the breakdown of costs:
Agency fee: $8,000-$10,000 a year. The au pair program is sanctioned by the State Department, and to host an au pair on a J-1 visa, you must go through one of the dozen or so contracted agencies. The agency fee covers recruiting and vetting of au pairs, support for obtaining a visa, matching support and a website where you can search for au pairs, international air fare, and the support of a local childcare coordinator (LCC), who supports both au pairs and host families. The level of service can vary from agency-to-agency, and also from year-to-year within the agency. The annual fee is steep, probably too steep, but you really can’t get around it.
Weekly stipend: $195.75. The program rules require that the au pair be paid a minimum weekly stipend, but many families - including ours - pay more. The decision of how much to pay is based on personal circumstances, the relative ease/difficulty of a given au pair’s job, and the overall “market” conditions. A lot of families started paying more during the pandemic, when au pairs were in high demand and short supply.
Au pairs can work up to 45 hours per week, with a maximum of 10 hours per day. They must have one full weekend off per month, and most agencies require 1.5 consecutive days off every week. At first blush this isn’t a very attractive proposition, but for most au pairs the program is an easy way to get a visa to stay in America for a year (or two, sometimes more) and all of their basic living expenses - and then some - are taken care of.
Room and board: Host families are required to provide a private room and all of the au pair’s food that is eaten at home.
Car access: Most families provide access to a car. We’ve needed our au pairs to drive our kids to preschool, so we purchased a third car and also pay for our au pairs to be on our car insurance.
Cell phone: I don’t think this is technically required, which is wild, but every host family wants to be in touch with their au pairs, so everybody provides cell service. We’ve always offered to provide an older model iPhone, but our au pairs have always wanted to purchase the latest one.
Vacations: We’ve taken each of our au pairs on at least one family vacation. It’s a nice way to give them a fun experience, in nicer accommodations than they usually book on their friend trips.
Gifts and extras: Part of making au pairs feel like part of the family is to ensure they receive birthday and holiday gifts, including them in dinners out, and paying for them when they join in on family outings.
Myth #3: Au pairs are household employees who are “always on”
As I mentioned above, there are strict limits to the hours that au pairs can work. They can also only do housework that is related to the kids, such as kids’ laundry or helping to tidy their rooms. But when they’re off, they’re off. We invite our au pairs to join us for holidays and family gatherings, but it’s never a requirement.
Of course there is a natural power imbalance between au pairs and host families - the home belongs to the family, the family is paying the au pair, the family has more sway with the agency - but the term au pair literally means “equal to.”
In my opinion, the spirit of the au pair program is to work together as adults to care for the children, and to build an adult relationship that goes beyond parent-caregiver or employer-employee. We’ve worked hard to require of our au pairs only that which we actually need, and to do whatever we can to ensure they have a fun and enriching time with us and in the US generally.
I think that the best example of this balance comes at the very beginning, in the matching process. Families are searching for certain characteristics in potential au pairs - English fluency, driving ability, type of childcare experience - and au pairs are looking for the right mix of family makeup, schedule, and perks. By way of example, here are the things au pairs probably evaluated when considering matching with our family:
Location: We live in Minnesota, which is cold and snowy half of the year, and many au pairs have never even heard of it. Probably a ‘con’ on its face, but a lot of au pairs from warmer climates want to experience something different. It’s also more affordable than the more popular locales - New York and LA - and we never had to worry that an au pair was choosing us just for the location.
Family makeup: We have two young boys. They are objectively adorable, so that’s a pro. Ido think a lot of au pairs like caring for girls, and having kids not yet in elementary school meant that for most of our time hosting au pairs, they were home with one or both kids all day.
Schedule: Because for so long we needed that all day weekday care, our au pairs rarely work Friday-Sunday, and we don’t require too many weeknights. Having that schedule allowed our au pairs to do a lot of long weekends without having to take vacation days.
A new chapter for our family
As we near the end of our four year “au pair era,” we’re ready for the shift. We’re excited to experience life as a family of four again, and now that my husband also works from home, we’re ready to have the extra space for our office setups. There is a season for everything, and I’m so grateful that our season of intense parenting with young kids included the love, support, and trust we had with and for our au pairs.
Have you hosted or considered hosting an au pair? I love discussing the highs and lows and welcome conversation in the comments!